i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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