apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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