i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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