so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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