Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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