i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
