he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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