It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
