College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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