I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
