I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
