I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We left the knife in your bed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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