Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
