I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
