I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
