Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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