Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
