why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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