What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
