John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
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pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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