We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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