im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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