my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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