He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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