I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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