Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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