I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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