i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
