It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
