Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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