He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
