I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
