her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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