Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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