Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
