I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The Olympian is in my bed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
