this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
