a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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