So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We need to rekindle our bromance
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
