I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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