Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
