I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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