I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
