we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
