1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
