the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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