Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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