i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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