Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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