six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
birth control should be required to get into college
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
