she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
