it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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