The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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