It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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