there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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