I can text with my tongue
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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