Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
