...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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