Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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